I wish... I know I promised you all pictures of our lives for the last 4 months. I know I promised to deliver my promises on Sunday. I wish, oh how I wish, those plans went as planned and that blogging our joys is what I did on Sunday. But life happened to us on Sunday. Basically, it knocked our teeth out. I don't know how much I should say, other than Colton's parents and family have been dealt quite the trial. In an instant, all of our lives will never be the same. I've pondered a lot in the last 48 hours...pretty much all I've done is pondered, really. There isn't much to do except ponder, and ponder...and ponder. I've come to some conclusions that I want to record for my posterity, and so I never forget how I feel at this very moment. This blog is what we've decided will be our family journal. So in case you are reading this, and you don't care to read about us in a personal way, feel free to stop reading. But maybe, this might help some of you down the road.
Faith is such a funny thing. It seems so...primary?...if you know what I mean. We have sang about it, learned about it, quoted about it, as long as I can remember. I guess I assumed I had faith. I guess I thought I knew what it meant. Suddenly, along comes this monumental hurdle. Like, 10 foot tall Michael Jordan-like giants can't jump this thing. But the Dye's have been asked to jump it.
Faith is waking up tomorrow and still looking for the good, knowing that everything is going to be just as wrong tomorrow as it is today. Faith and love go hand in hand. Both make you so extremely vulnerable. I love, therefore I have faith. I have faith, therefore I love. To stop loving is to cease having faith. To love, to have faith, hurts. It hurts so bad.
Our Father in Heaven and our Savior, Jesus Christ, love us and value us more than our human beings can comprehend. I know that even in their perfect state, they feel pain when we turn out backs on love and faith, on them. How do I know this? I think I'm feeling something sort of like how they must feel. In all of life's trials, and hurts, and pains, I have never felt this much agony before.
The cause of these feelings is that someone so dear to us, has decided to give up on faith and love. They have decided to turn their back on our Savior. Jesus Christ suffered in Gethsemane in part for all the people who would turn their back on Him and the gospel. Isn't that a funny thought? Why would he suffer such rejection and pain for people he knew wouldn't accept His gift? Maybe I will understand that and have an answer for that someday.
I can't imagine how the Savior must have felt. One person, whom we cherish so much, who is so valuable to us, has decided to give up the good fight. They have decided to give in to the adversaries lies. The pain I feel trumps any pains I have ever felt. To spiritually loose someone you love, to watch them willingly damn themselves, I believe brings about the greatest pain that will ever be known. Christ brought this kind of pain upon himself for every last one of those people who have turned their back on him...
Now all we can do is have faith and love. But it is so hard. How do you hope for something you are so terrified might never happen? Why do you love when you know it might not matter how much you love, the outcome still might not change? Eternal truths are funny things and God is wise. The very things that are so hard to do right now, practice faith and feel love, are the only things that might save this person. Yet they are the very things that scare us the most to do for this person. And I would go to the ends of the earth for this person.
I have never known what it was like to be willing to die for someone and actually be put in that position. I was closer to that experience than I ever have been this weekend. In the middle of the night, Colton and I drove into town to deliver some notes of love and encouragement to this person. The deer are kind of bad at night and it's normal to drive carefully and watchfully. While I was driving I thought, what if we hit a deer, and swirved, and died? Could God use such a tragedy to bring to pass a change in the life of this person? Would they come back to Christ? Now just for clarity, I wasn't about to make this event happen. I wasn't about to take things into my own hands. However, I came to the conclusion that if Heavenly Father's plan included us dying that night, in order to save our cherished person, that I would be more than willing to die if it meant he would come back to Christ.
If we have to become perfect in order to receive our exaltation, a few things must happen. We must be willing to sacrifice ANYTHING the Lord asks of us, no matter what it is or how crazy it may seem. Think back to the story of Abraham about to sacrifice Isaac. The old testament institute manual sheds some amazing light on why God required Abraham to go through such a test. If you are interested in reading about it, copy and paste the link at the end of this paragraph into a new window. We must also be able to know the Savior because we are like him. Perhaps, that might mean, that we would be willing to die in order to save our fellow men. I wonder, if this is what I felt the other night, when I was willing to die if it meant that it would save this person.
http://institute.lds.org/manuals/old-testament-institute-student-manual-1/ot-in1-03-gen-b-6.asp
Obviously, as I am typing to you, us dying wasn't apart of the Lord's plan. Sacrificing Isaac wasn't either. So why do we have these kind of experiences? Boy you should really read that link I provided! The answer is at the bottom of the page. Just so you know, I stumbled upon this information during my daily scripture study last week...apparently, the Lord knew I would need it for Sunday and for the days to come.
I must have faith for this person and I must have love for this person. Even though these are the last things I want to do because they feel impossible and make me feel so vulnerable. I must have faith and love because they are the only things that might save this person some day, even if some day is a long, long, long time a way. I can't let the fear of this person never coming back to the gospel in, because faith and love are required of this family now to bring this person back. I must have faith and love so that I can know my Savior fully, and be like him. If I am to be eternally happy, I must have faith and love no matter what is asked of me.
I know I have a Savior, who died for me no matter if I wanted him to or not. I know my Savior died for this other person, even though this person didn't want to except the gift. I know my Savior felt pain for me and for all the world that doesn't even touch the pain I feel right now. I know that I can somehow, follow in His footsteps and enjoy this life, even after the loss of our cherished person. I know that the wonderful power of the atonement can bring this person back someday, if I have faith and love. I know this. I know it.
This all was pretty profound to me. I hope I never forget it.
Christmas 2016!
9 years ago
